Bit of a set back

Disappointed that i've needed to start taking steroid tablets.Been struggling physically for a few days and was unable to walk for a bit Sunday,I'm hoping that by taking the tablets now I can avert a full on relapse.It's been a little over 3 years since the last big one that caused permanent damage,the Tysabri infusions are doing their job well.
There has been a few minor issues in that time but I've just taken the tablets for 3 or 4 days and it's settled down any inflammation going on,I think though this time could be a bit different. I've had a couple of months of emotional turmoil like I've had before the other big ones,it's hard to explain without sounding like a pyscho,I have become very withdrawn and needing to be alone but very lonely and sad and positive that everyone is against me and doesn't want to be around me.Which could quite well be true given that when i'm like this i'm a pretty crappy friend.I get very paranoid and forget that just because i think something doesn't mean it's true.
I have isolated myself partly because I don't know how to be and partly because it's hard for me to get anywhere and i hate asking for help all the time,it's just easier to be home.I don't even want to talk to anyone on facebook anymorw cos i'm tired of dragging people down with my sadness and i hate faking happiness.It makes me feel like i'm lying to people and i don't want to do that.
Anyway hopefully the steroids work cos if I'm nuts now I dread how bad I'll be on a sreroid infusion!! Avoiding it at all costs,no sleep,crazy thoughts,too much energy without the physical capablilty of expending it,last time round i barely clung on,i don't want to do it again

Still blank

I decidedI do need to write but i don't want to share,that might seem a bit silly but what I mean is I won't be putting it on facebook.If people stumble upon it then so be it,I guess they were meant to see it,I just wAnt to be able to express myself when i need to but as it's just gone midnight it won't be now!

Blank

Been doing a lot of thinking so thought it would be good to come here and get it out.Soon as i start typing my brain goes blank! Oh,well guess i don't need to vent as much as i thought

Should i continue?

don't know is it worth airing my thoughts trying to make sense of them? Some people would say yes,me,i just don't know .
I kind of want to be done with it all.all this thinking and struggling to just be happy with who i am and where I'm at.
This MS business just does my head in,it just kind of wandered into my life and turned everything upside down,changed everything and how thingswere meant to be.it just takes and gives nothing back.If it were a friend it wouldn't be.
I am jealous of those I know who have it and can walk with out help,I am jealous of those who can work,I am jealous of  those who are able to accept it and make a new life for themselves.Yep,I'm jealous.
At least i can be honest and admit it,that's a positive maybe.
I've been very down the last few weeks and angry.I feel like I've stagnated in my thinking got stuck.
This makes no sense.
I accept to some degree that i have MS and i can't change that and i hate it,maybe that's where i can find peace and acceptance,I have MS and I hate it.
That's where I'm at hating the disease hating what it's done to my life and body and I'm okay that I hate it

Hopefully this works

Hmmm,where to start?
A very wise friend asked me what had happened to my blog,good question.I kind of abandoned it i guess.Got sick of writing the same thing over and over again,then I just didn't know how to write what i needed to write.Life got busy with life and i lost touch with expressing myself.
Last few weeks have been very tough so here i am trying to write my way out of my darkness.
At the moment i hate everything,most of all me.I don't know why and it makes me angry cos i thought I'd stopped doing this to myself.
I'm stuck and don't know how to get unstuck,I'm overthinking everything,not sleeping,feeling old,feeling oh i don't know,heavy?weighed down? Not sure what it is.
I think part of it is that i thought I'd get better,not be free of MS but at least be walking on my own.I've been relapse free for close to 3 years now and I've recovered from the last one with permanent damage to my mobility.
I think I'm angry about that,I know i shouldn't compare(but i do) myself to other MSers but using the walker makes me feel old and quite frankly a pain in the arse.It's always in the way.I've tried to be positive about it,it means i can walk further and faster,get less fatigued all that stuff but honestly i don't like being not quite 50 and using a walker like someone in their 80s.
Yeah,yeah,I know there's people worse off than me,there's also a lot of people a lot better off than me

Been awhile

So here I am again,life has been life and I want to start talking again.But not just the bad parts cos life is not just bad,my personality though I tend to focus on the negative.So I'm gonna try seeing all sides of life and focus on everything, it will be easier for me to bitch and winge and moan but I also want to embrace the goodness in me and my life.
I could write a list quite easily of all my bad points I want to give myself a break and find the good ones,so when I can I will be blogging again it will be back and forth between stuff that's happening now and all the things that have happened since last I wrote.
Life is good and MS is still part of it but only part of it.

Still breathing

Well Hello! Yes,it has been awhile. Didn't mean to be gone so long but even though I had stuff to say I couldn't work out how to say it,still kind of in that place but I'm gonna give it a go.
So anyway,I'm still around,still have MS!! Would have been nice to have hit on a cure and have a good reason to have disappeared "Um yeah sorry folks can't blog to busy kicking up my heels from the miraculous cure I've discovered!"
Still having good and bad days and bad bits in the good days.
My father in law passed away 5 weeks ago and my daughter had her baby 2 weeks ago,so I am now a Grandma.Life is good and sad and happy.It's been a very rough few months but my beautiful little grand daughter Grace Elizabeth has brought some joy back.
She is our rainbow after the storm.......