don't know is it worth airing my thoughts trying to make sense of them? Some people would say yes,me,i just don't know .
I kind of want to be done with it all.all this thinking and struggling to just be happy with who i am and where I'm at.
This MS business just does my head in,it just kind of wandered into my life and turned everything upside down,changed everything and how thingswere meant to be.it just takes and gives nothing back.If it were a friend it wouldn't be.
I am jealous of those I know who have it and can walk with out help,I am jealous of those who can work,I am jealous of those who are able to accept it and make a new life for themselves.Yep,I'm jealous.
At least i can be honest and admit it,that's a positive maybe.
I've been very down the last few weeks and angry.I feel like I've stagnated in my thinking got stuck.
This makes no sense.
I accept to some degree that i have MS and i can't change that and i hate it,maybe that's where i can find peace and acceptance,I have MS and I hate it.
That's where I'm at hating the disease hating what it's done to my life and body and I'm okay that I hate it
Saturday 22 March 2014
Wednesday 19 March 2014
Hopefully this works
Hmmm,where to start?
A very wise friend asked me what had happened to my blog,good question.I kind of abandoned it i guess.Got sick of writing the same thing over and over again,then I just didn't know how to write what i needed to write.Life got busy with life and i lost touch with expressing myself.
Last few weeks have been very tough so here i am trying to write my way out of my darkness.
At the moment i hate everything,most of all me.I don't know why and it makes me angry cos i thought I'd stopped doing this to myself.
I'm stuck and don't know how to get unstuck,I'm overthinking everything,not sleeping,feeling old,feeling oh i don't know,heavy?weighed down? Not sure what it is.
I think part of it is that i thought I'd get better,not be free of MS but at least be walking on my own.I've been relapse free for close to 3 years now and I've recovered from the last one with permanent damage to my mobility.
I think I'm angry about that,I know i shouldn't compare(but i do) myself to other MSers but using the walker makes me feel old and quite frankly a pain in the arse.It's always in the way.I've tried to be positive about it,it means i can walk further and faster,get less fatigued all that stuff but honestly i don't like being not quite 50 and using a walker like someone in their 80s.
Yeah,yeah,I know there's people worse off than me,there's also a lot of people a lot better off than me
A very wise friend asked me what had happened to my blog,good question.I kind of abandoned it i guess.Got sick of writing the same thing over and over again,then I just didn't know how to write what i needed to write.Life got busy with life and i lost touch with expressing myself.
Last few weeks have been very tough so here i am trying to write my way out of my darkness.
At the moment i hate everything,most of all me.I don't know why and it makes me angry cos i thought I'd stopped doing this to myself.
I'm stuck and don't know how to get unstuck,I'm overthinking everything,not sleeping,feeling old,feeling oh i don't know,heavy?weighed down? Not sure what it is.
I think part of it is that i thought I'd get better,not be free of MS but at least be walking on my own.I've been relapse free for close to 3 years now and I've recovered from the last one with permanent damage to my mobility.
I think I'm angry about that,I know i shouldn't compare(but i do) myself to other MSers but using the walker makes me feel old and quite frankly a pain in the arse.It's always in the way.I've tried to be positive about it,it means i can walk further and faster,get less fatigued all that stuff but honestly i don't like being not quite 50 and using a walker like someone in their 80s.
Yeah,yeah,I know there's people worse off than me,there's also a lot of people a lot better off than me
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