Planning ahead

Been thinking a lot,not always a good thing with me! Been thinking about my future and what it might have in store for me.
I know I can't control it and if stuff is going to happen it will happen but I need to be prepared as well.I need to make sure that if I do get worse,that the house is set up and ready so I can stay home and not put to much more pressure on the rest of the family.
I saw a youtube video yesterday about a woman named Tina with MS.She is a lot worse than I am,a lot worse and I give thanks that I can do most things for myself but it also showed me what could be.
In a way it scared me but it also made me grateful for what I have,for the love I am surrounded by,for the people who care about me and will make sure that I won't experience the isolation and loneliness that Tina does.
I need to make sure though that Robert is up for what ever MS throws at us,he bears the brunt of this disease being the closest to me.I still need for him to look at me with love and as his wife,not with pity and as someone who needs care.
If he doesn't think he can do it that is okay I want him to be with me because he wants to be with me,not because he fills obligated or that people would think badly of him if he needed to go.
Yes,we made vows to each other,but sometimes reality is to hard to bear no matter what vows were made.
Yes I have MS but first and foremost I am a woman who loves and wants and needs to be loved.I do need some care regarding the MS but at this stage I just need caring as a woman.Does that make sense? I know what I want to say,not sure if it's coming out right.

I need to live for now but plan for the future.

Happy

I got my license back!! I went in to the motor reg. office and the guy who served me was as confused as me! I told him I didn't understand why I needed a test if the doctor had declared me medically fit to drive,he didn't understand it either! So he made a phone call and came back and told me that I got to have it!! As I have the certificate then I get to have it back,he sends all the info to be reviewed and then they'll contact me as to how I go about the practical test but as I am medically fit I get my license.
The test is to check my co-ordination and whether any restrictions need to be put on it.Like only a certain distance I can drive,stuff like that.But now I get to decide if I'm going to drive or not,I have a little bit of control back of my life.

I'm okay

Whatever the weird thing was the other night was gone in the morning,Must have been one of those strange things that turns up when I'm tired.
I've actually been walking fairly well the last couple of days,only needed my stick when I went to the doctors and only had it "just in case".Round the house I'm doing great,a bit wobbly at times but nothing like it used to be.
So I went to the doctors to get my medical clearance to drive and good news is I am medically fit to drive.Bad news is he thinks I need to have a practical test to check my co-ordination.I'm pissed off .
After the last attack I knew I couldn't drive so I didn't,then when my license came up for renewal last year,I didn't go and get it cos I couldn't afford it.
Now I can afford it and am almost back to where I was before the last attack and I need a driving test? I've been driving for over 30 years.I'm not stupid,I'm not going to do something that could put me ot anyone else at risk.
I know my limitations better than anyone and I know better than anyone else what happens with my symptoms when I push past my limitations.
It's not like I'm going to turn into a rev head and start doing burn outs down the street,I just want the option to drive if I run out of milk or something.I definitely can't walk to the shops.
I hate that other people have control of my life now,I hate that strangers get to determine what I can and can't do,I am not mentally incompetent and need people to help me make good choices.I am a sensible,rational woman(most of the time!)
So tomorrow after my infusion I'm going to motor reg. to find out what happens next.

Uh oh

Something weird is happening,feels like my body wants to twist to the right side all the time.When I walk it feels like my body is straight but I've actually noticed that my body is twisted and I'm sideways.When I straighten up and walk so my body is facing forwards and my legs and feet are pointing front ways it feels like I'm twisted.If I  keep my body how it wants to go then my head is fine but if I make myself stand properly I get very wobbly with my head.This has been happening for a couple of hours,if it's still happening tomorrow night might need to contact neuro.

FACTS vs.Feelings

So I tend to be ruled by my feelings but my feelings are not always true to the facts,Just because I feel something doesn't actually mean that it lines up with factual evidence.
For example sometimes I "feel" fat,fat is not actually a feeling.The fact is,yes I am overweight but I do not cause minor earthquakes when I walk.I need to work out what I am really feeling when I term it as fat.
Sometimes I "feel" ugly,ugly is not a feeling.The fact is small children do not run screaming in horror when I pass by,therefore I am not an ugly troglodyte swamp donkey who needs to be hidden away from decent society.I need to work out what I am really feeling when I term it as ugly.
Sometimes I feel worthless.FACT is I am a human being,therefore I am worthy and worthwhile.
Sometimes I feel unloved.FACT is I am very much loved and need to recognize it.
Sometimes I feel stupid.FACT is stupid is not a feeling(or is it? Not sure) See now I feel stupid,anyway whether it is or not,I'm not actually stupid,I'm human I make mistakes.
I need to learn to stop being ruled by my feelings so much and try to learn to tap into my logical rational side a bit more often.I need to look at the FACTS a bit more closely before I react with my feelings.

Thank you

Not thinking too clearly at the moment but I didn't want to wait before saying thank you.Thank you to everyone who reads this and takes the time to e-mail or inbox me on facebook,post on the link or makes contact in any other way.Thank you for caring,thank you for reaching out to me and trying to help me find my way out of the pit. I am so grateful and appreciate every one of you and will try to take on board everything you all said.
The sun got up again today,guess I will too.
Oh  and Happy Mothers Day,to all the Mums.May your day be stress free and someone else wash the dishes!

Lyn,this one's for you!!

Okay,sinking back down again.the physical stuff i can try to adapt to,it's all the emotional drama,I hate.I'm tired so very tired of all these negative feelings that keep coming up,will this well ever run dry?
What about me?
It isn't fair.I've had enough now I want my share.
Can't you see I want to live
But you just take more than you give.
What about me?
This is the chorus to the song What about me? Originally sung by Moving Pictures in the 80s and covered by Shannon Noll on Australian Idol.Both versions are great,it's sort of my anthem at the moment,MS sure does take more than it gives.
I'm having a woe is me day,feeling very sad and sorry for myself.I want to crawl into bed and hide away from the world.I'm feeling very isolated so want to isolate myself further.
I hate listening to myself moan and whine but I don't know how to stop,guess I need to go back over all that cognitive therapy stuff the psychologist gave me when I was seeing her.All this counsellors and psychologists and all the work I've done seems to be for nothing.When my first thoughts are those of negativity and sadness,instead of joy and happiness.I wish I could be someone else instead of me,I wish I could open my head up and scrape out all the bad stuff(fix up the lesions while I've got it open).Don't want to do this anymore,it's all too hard.I must have done something pretty damn evil and awful in another life to have all this stuff dumped on me in this one.
I so hope there's a heaven I think I deserve it,living on earth has been pretty hellish.
I have to count my blessings and get myself out of this funk.1,2,3,4, okay blessings counted.