Driving Test

Monday,I have to go for a practical driving test.Bit annoyed about it,my doctor signs the form to say Yes,Alison is competent to drive,but do a driving test anyway.I'm either competent to drive or not,don't hedge your bets and pass the buck to someone else.
In the meantime I've been driving,geez people are wankers on the road! Not really sure if I really want to be out there,argh who am i kidding.I love that I'm driving again.
Not going to far as yet,been to the shops a couple of times and took David to Parabanks for a hair cut and get shoes for his formal.
That's really all I want it for do Mum stuff,go shopping.I'm not about to start a new career as a long distance truck driver or a race car driver.
I hate the thought of some stranger judging me and possibly taking something away from me that I've worked so hard to be able to do again.
That's probably what I'm so bent out of shape about,being judged and falling short of my expectations of myself.
Hmmm,interesting little insight into myself.

Moving forward

I started this facebook page,to express all that I am.I'ts a collection of different pictures that mean something to me or make me laugh.They might have made me think or felt comforted.Whatever,it's a way for me to rediscover all that is me,there will be some MS stuff on it cos let's face it,I'm not getting away from this anytime soon! But it's for me to enjoy me again,there will be a lot of humour on it,sarcastic,dark humour.As well as silly stuff,anyway just stuff that makes me laugh.
I don't really know what I'm doing with it,computer stuff is not one of my strengths! It's fun learning though 'cept when I get really frustrated!
Cos I have trouble talking at times this will be a way for me to show myself all that I am and sometimes cos my hands don't work so good typing is hard so finding and displaying the pictures helps me unlock me.

Nothing today,except this wonderful poem written by Tammy Malkowski

Thank you Tammy Malkowski.It's like you looked inside me and wrote what I couldn't.



How MS Feels (A Poem)

My hands shake as my words slur,
But it’s not what you think.
I trip and I sway,
Though I haven’t had a drink.

I could fall at any moment. 
And this never leaves my mind
But I’m trying hard to manage
As I’m on this MS ride.

My legs look normal
But feel like rubber.
My arms look strong enough,
But melt like butter.

I have slept for hours,
But my eyes still droop.
I want to walk straight,
But my head loop-de-loops.

You think I’m paying attention,
But my mind has wandered away.
I want to speak clearly,
But I’m stuttering today.

I try to read your email,
But I am seeing double.
I want to come with you,
But walking gives me trouble.

I may need your patience
And your compassion too.
But never your pity
For all I have to do.

I need you to be kind.
And try to understand.
I’m living a new life
Doing the best that I can.

I am making an effort
To be someone who
Is making a difference
In my own life too.

Give me a chance
Be on my side
I am still me
Even with all the drama inside.

My body has changed
But my heart is the same.
I still have a beautiful life
Even when playing the MS game.

The thing I need the most
As you try to understand
Is the comfort and confidence
That I still have my friend.

by Tammy Malkowski

Almost ready to let go

I think i'm almost ready to let go of this.I have it yes,no denying that.I'm not going to get rid of this,best to learn a new way of living.
I need to find a way to have MS and also have me,it's hard cos a lot of the things I liked to do before are too hard for me to do now.Finding new interests is tough too,symptoms flare up and it makes it hard.
I need to try to get out more and not be so on my own as much,I think that would help me to stop being all about MS like I am at the moment.
I've lost touch with most of the people I knew well before all this though and it's kind of hard to meet new people when you don't go out much!!
I know what I need to do actually being able to do it is another thing entirely.

Remembering who I am(Inspired by Jackie)

I get obsessed with things,anyone who is a facebook friend of mine will know that for the last few months mt home page has been full of MS awareness stuff.I trawl the internet looking for any info I can that may help me make sense of how my life has changed but that is part of me.I get obsessed with things and when I have sorted things out so I can understand it for myself then I can put it away and move on to my next obsession!! This one though will always be with me,this is not something I can make sense of and put away,unless a cure is found I will always have it so I need to work out a balance between my obsession and remembering that there is more to me than just MS.
My friend Jackie,a lady I have never met but has become very dear to me reminded me that this blog is called I have MS I am not MS and that I need to live that way.
Jackie is a wonderful person who has encouraged me all along the way with my blog,she makes me feel good about myself and has this ability to help me not get stuck inside myself so much. Thank you Jackie,you're a star and I love you :o)
So other than MS what is there? My weird,quirky sense of humour,my compassion,my caring for others,my love for my family.
I'm not thinking clearly at the moment,but I will remember who I am and learn how to live with this and not be it.

Too much whining

Inever intended for this to be a place for me to bitch moan and complain!! Seems to have become that though,I'm having a hard time focussing on anything but MS at the moment.It seems to have become my latest obsession(I wonder why!) I trawl the internet looking for some insight into making myself better,stronger,I guess I'm still looking for a miracle,I've joined countless MS pages,support groups.I google for answers that are unanswerable.I hope i can let go of this soon and just get on the best life I can,it's wearing me out.
I want my previous obsession back,Indian food was so much more fun and tasty!! Finding and tryingnew recipes was a much better use of google I think.

The cycle moves on

This grieving process just goes on and on but I have noticed that I don't feel each emotion as deeply as the cycle goes thru them.
A good thing I think,maybe I'm getting my shit together finally.I can only hope.That's going to be my next tattoo .I saw this awesome picture the other day,it was the word hope with an MS awareness ribbon entwined and the top of it used as the O in hope.I'm going to get COURAGE on one of the ribbon strands.It's going to be on the inside of my right leg,just above my ankle.
Not much else to say,life goes on bringing with it what it brings.
Some bits hurt,some are numb,some are tingling,some are fuzzy.
Life with MS,hope for a cure.