Should i continue?

don't know is it worth airing my thoughts trying to make sense of them? Some people would say yes,me,i just don't know .
I kind of want to be done with it all.all this thinking and struggling to just be happy with who i am and where I'm at.
This MS business just does my head in,it just kind of wandered into my life and turned everything upside down,changed everything and how thingswere meant to be.it just takes and gives nothing back.If it were a friend it wouldn't be.
I am jealous of those I know who have it and can walk with out help,I am jealous of those who can work,I am jealous of  those who are able to accept it and make a new life for themselves.Yep,I'm jealous.
At least i can be honest and admit it,that's a positive maybe.
I've been very down the last few weeks and angry.I feel like I've stagnated in my thinking got stuck.
This makes no sense.
I accept to some degree that i have MS and i can't change that and i hate it,maybe that's where i can find peace and acceptance,I have MS and I hate it.
That's where I'm at hating the disease hating what it's done to my life and body and I'm okay that I hate it

Hopefully this works

Hmmm,where to start?
A very wise friend asked me what had happened to my blog,good question.I kind of abandoned it i guess.Got sick of writing the same thing over and over again,then I just didn't know how to write what i needed to write.Life got busy with life and i lost touch with expressing myself.
Last few weeks have been very tough so here i am trying to write my way out of my darkness.
At the moment i hate everything,most of all me.I don't know why and it makes me angry cos i thought I'd stopped doing this to myself.
I'm stuck and don't know how to get unstuck,I'm overthinking everything,not sleeping,feeling old,feeling oh i don't know,heavy?weighed down? Not sure what it is.
I think part of it is that i thought I'd get better,not be free of MS but at least be walking on my own.I've been relapse free for close to 3 years now and I've recovered from the last one with permanent damage to my mobility.
I think I'm angry about that,I know i shouldn't compare(but i do) myself to other MSers but using the walker makes me feel old and quite frankly a pain in the arse.It's always in the way.I've tried to be positive about it,it means i can walk further and faster,get less fatigued all that stuff but honestly i don't like being not quite 50 and using a walker like someone in their 80s.
Yeah,yeah,I know there's people worse off than me,there's also a lot of people a lot better off than me

Been awhile

So here I am again,life has been life and I want to start talking again.But not just the bad parts cos life is not just bad,my personality though I tend to focus on the negative.So I'm gonna try seeing all sides of life and focus on everything, it will be easier for me to bitch and winge and moan but I also want to embrace the goodness in me and my life.
I could write a list quite easily of all my bad points I want to give myself a break and find the good ones,so when I can I will be blogging again it will be back and forth between stuff that's happening now and all the things that have happened since last I wrote.
Life is good and MS is still part of it but only part of it.

Still breathing

Well Hello! Yes,it has been awhile. Didn't mean to be gone so long but even though I had stuff to say I couldn't work out how to say it,still kind of in that place but I'm gonna give it a go.
So anyway,I'm still around,still have MS!! Would have been nice to have hit on a cure and have a good reason to have disappeared "Um yeah sorry folks can't blog to busy kicking up my heels from the miraculous cure I've discovered!"
Still having good and bad days and bad bits in the good days.
My father in law passed away 5 weeks ago and my daughter had her baby 2 weeks ago,so I am now a Grandma.Life is good and sad and happy.It's been a very rough few months but my beautiful little grand daughter Grace Elizabeth has brought some joy back.
She is our rainbow after the storm.......

Not much to say

I don't really know what to say any more,It's kind of all just rolled into one day after another just doing the same thing and hoping that tomorrow will be a bit better than the day before.
I try not to think too much,I end up feeling crappy if i do,so it's better if I don't.
Had Tysabri yesterday,went well apart from the usual hassle with finding a good vein.Next week I need to go to the RAH for another JC virus blood test.I'ts an awkward hospital to go to,there's very little parking close by and means a fair bit of walking.Oh well,I'll get over it!
I think this blog might have passed it's use by date,I'm sruggling to write anything and I'm boring myself with what I can think of.
I suppose I could dig down to that bottom less pit of sadness that's inside me but I'm tired of being miserable.I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired and really don't want to take mself there unless it's really necessary
I started taking more Kali-Phos tablets theu out the day and that seems to have helped a fair bit with the tremors.I also upped my vitamin D dose,not sure if I needed to as I need to go to my doctor and get the blood test results but I figured it's the middle of winter and I haven't been outside much so I guess it won't hurt.
Oh yeah,I ordered a portable ramp online today,it's to go outside the laundry door so I can get the washing trolley in and out easier,What an exciting life I lead!

Back.....kind of

Not sure what to say,been pretty crappy the last few days.That eye thing is horrible,the pain would be bearable if my eye didn't keep leaking.I'm constantly having to wipe it and that seems to start it throbbing which makes it tear up which means I wipe it which starts it throbbing and on and on and round and round.Crazy!!
Then last night had bad tremors and lost speech again,tremors stopped after a few minutes but the speech loss lasted over an hour this time. That is scary,so very scary.Losing my ability to communicate is very scary and lonely,I was trying to point to stuff and do charades to make myself understood but each time I tried to use my hands the tremors would start.Or otherwise my hands would either clench into fists or go rigid and be locked straight.Had to laugh though,was busting for the loo so Robert helped me with my walker,managed to get there fairly okay but walking back to the lounge my legs started doing these weird bending and stretching actions.A bit like the Monty Python department of silly walks!! Knees would come up almost to my chest and then stretch way behind me,I cracked up laughing 'cept there was no sound cos of losing my sound.
This morning I'm feeling good and it's like nothing is wrong. Sure wish it was always like this.

Going into hibernation

Horrible stabbing eye pain is back:o(
Eye is leaking like a tap,I won't be around for awhile need to hibernate 'til the pain stops.
Feel like shit and just need a break,MS never goes on holiday