Sleep,what's that?

Cough,cough,cough,cough,cough!! Add a few sniffs.Blah,I feel like crap! Very tired but start coughing as soon as I lay down so not much sleeping being done,be glad when I feel better physical health wise so I can start enjoying feeling better emotionally.
I was going to mention a few people who've been incredibly supportive and encouraging of me since I started blogging but I'm worried I'll miss someone out so I'm just going to say a huge THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart.Without all your continued caring I would have given this up before it made a difference in my way of thinking.
I will always be extremely grateful of you all and appreciate everything you do and say.
Okay might try sleeping again,I can't feel this crappy for ever right?

Neurologist visit

Today was the first time since I got on this ride that I left the neuros office with some good news!
Latest MRI showed no new lesions and the existing ones are a tiny bit smaller YEAHH!!! If I could,I would do a happy dance! I'll have to be content with dancing on the inside,with my luck I'd probably fall over and break something!! Don't want anything to take away this good feeling,all the symptoms I've been having are because of the throat infection and signals not getting thru properly,not another relapse which I was scared of.
So whatever I'm doing I need to keep doing,not sure whether it's the Tysabri or all the vitamins,or the ambotrose powder or the New Zealand sea water I just started drinking(yuk,not bad in cranberry juice) or a combination of everything but I'm not changing anything.Something's helped halt this from advancing any more and I want to make sure that keeps happening.
WOO HOO!!! No new holes :o)

Yucky throat

So my throat is infected and inflamed,potato didn't do the damage it's all these people who will insist on sharing their germs with me! Feels like there's a ball of razor blades in there,no wonder I've been struggling a bit the last few days. Every MS symptom I've ever had has come back full throttle all at once,except for my legs.For some reason they feel stronger,all the numbness and tingling is in my arms and hands and my head fees like I need to take it off and put it back in the right place.
Forms are all done,doctor is trying to get it so I don't have to keep doing the progress claim forms every 6 months.I've been assessed as total permanent disability and been paid out a lump sum because of it.Don't understand why the same insurance company needs medical proof that I still can't return to work every 6 months when they already have paid out on the TPD claim.
Despite feeling yucky cos of my throat mentally I'm feeling pretty good.I think the acceptance is starting to stick and I don't have anger at the core of me any more.
It's weird,I feel strange,different,lighter almost.

Not much

Off to the doctors today,no dramas health wise.Just need a form filled out so I can put in my on going claim for income protection insurance. Although I might ask him to check out my sore throat,not sure if  I've caught the cold everyone has had,which would explain all the random sore bits in various parts of my body and the fuzzy head.Or whether that bit of potato from last nights tea that was way too hot to swallow and kind of got stuck a bit on it's way down did some damage! Whatever caused it,my throat hurts!
Neurologist tomorrow to get the last MRI results,I think I might have active lesions if no new ones.I've had a lot of symptoms flare up recently some that I haven't had for awhile.Been waking up with both hands numb,I did think maybe it was a pinched nerve in my neck but this is one of the things that happened before my last big relapse.Couple of other things as well,that I haven't had for awhile,makes me a bit nervous,still trying to recover from the last biggy,don't want to start over again.
Friday is Tysabri day,I get to sit in a recliner for 2 hours,watching TV,drinking coffee, with a needle stuck in a vein.With a bit of luck they might find a good one this time!
Most nights I lay in bed and think of stuff just lots of random rambling thoughts pass thru my head and I think"I must blog that" by the time I finally sleep then get up I've forgotten those amazing thoughts I had,frustrating.
All my genius thoughts and solutions to all the worlds problems stay locked in my head cos I have a memory like a sieve.Think I might be a bit full of it this morning!!

Acceptance........we'll see!

I have MS,yep that's right I do.I have MS,whether I choose to accept it or not,I still have MS.
It's still going to be in me wreaking havoc on my body and life,I can choose to fight the diagnosis,fight that everything has changed or I can accept it and start making a few changes to make my life more liveable more enjoyable,
Instead of fighting against it,refusing to admit that I struggle sometimes,I need to start fighting FOR me not against me.
I need to speak up when I can't manage something,there is no shame in asking for help.I am asking for help not for everything to be done for me.
I can still be a fighter,still be a warrior,wear my tattoo with pride but I need to be a warrior for me not against the disease.Will probably make for a calmer,more peaceful feeling inside me.
I have this,until they find a cure.I need to live the best life I can until that cure is found.

Still around

Been awhile,so much going on but didn't have the words to say anything.
Since I last typed,I left my husband and came home again!
Yep,it''s been an interesting week and a half,still not sure if I can talk about what's being going on but I do seem to be finding a new attitude,I seem to be losing my negativity,I seem to be remembering who I really am and what is most important.
I think I am losing all the anger,bitterness and resentment that has kept me going for so long.
I think that all the pain I locked up inside of me since the rape was loosened because of all the grief I have been feeling because of the MS diagnosis,to become whole and accepting of  my new life,I believe I have needed to confront the old and all the hurts and face what I didn't think I was capable of facing.
Turns out I am and when you do that some of the stuff you are so afraid of losing if you do that,you don't end up losing at all.
I know this sounds very confusing but it makes sense to me.Maybe!
Think I'm still processing it all,Robert and I still have a way to go but we are together as we should be,as we're meant to be.

Life goes on

Been off with the fairies the last few days,a lot happening,life is taking a different twist and I don't feel like talking about it.
Went to an MS fundraiser on Sunday which was wonderful and was great to meet some of the people from an online group I'm part of.
It's a bit weird meeting people for the first time when it feels like you've known them for years.
There were lots of people and it was very loud so unfortunately,claustrophobia,anxiety and panic reared their ugly heads.I didn't run away tho,I did stay just spent a fair bit of time outside.Meant I didn't catch up with some of the people I wanted to meet but that will happen one day.
Inferiority,insecurity,not feeling good enough are some things that I need to work on.Believing that people won't like me if they''really" knew me is something else I have to get over.
And I so need to stop being so damn negative and critical of myself.