Bear with me today,this is probably going to be long and rambly and jump around a bit but it does have a point.
Laying in bed last night,trying to sleep,feeling so full of rage and not knowing why,it suddenly hit me that I've felt like this before,another time in my life when everything was turned upside down.
After I was raped I was so angry it was indescribable,I wanted to rip him apart with my bare hands,I wanted to stick my hand down his throat and rip him inside out.The rage I felt I was probably capable of it,the intensity of those feelings terrified me,scared the shit out of me.Everything was out of control including me and my feelings and emotions,how can you want to rip someone to shreds and then be a loving Mum to your children?Sarah was 4 and Adam was 2 at the time,they needed me.How could I possibly love them as much as I did and have these rageful feelings inside of me too?In my mind I couldn't,so I shut it down.I tried to rein in the anger and put it in a box,and put the lid on and shove it to the back of the cupboard labelled"Never open".Trouble was there was so much shoved in that box thart occasionally the lid would pop open,spilling out all it's vile contents.So I started to deal with it by turning the anger on myself,easier to hate myself and be mean and nasty to me than let it fall on anyone else.So down the road of depression I went,I realized last night at some ungodly hour "Ugly" is anger and"Fat is depression.When I say I feel ugly or fat, I'm actually feeling angry or extremely sad,bordering on rage or depression.
I've been feeling this way off and on since the MS diagnosis,Duh! Massive life change,Out of control,Afraid.
I can't put the feelings in the box though,over the years it's fallen apart and a new one would be to big for the cupboard.
So now I have to find a way to deal with all of this,Hating myself,hurting myself doesn't work.I tried to stuff my feelings yesterday by eating crappy foods but it didn't work like it used to.Stuffing and cramming my feelings down by eating didn't work.
What now? How to deal with all this,in a healthy way that lets me feel the stuff I crave,without being terrified and out of control by the other stuff.
If I work this out I think I might find my way thru that wall I've been stuck at.
Alison, I hope writing these words, putting your feelings 'out there' can help you to get them out of your system. Writing out your hurt and giving your words to the larger community, as you are doing here, may help. I sincerely hope it does. Talking it out can help too. I've found my way through bad times in my past with writing, and now I'm connecting with others, and sharing stories. It helps...
ReplyDeleteI think so Carolyn,can't hurt me anymore than burying and hiding them all these years.
DeleteI've always kept myself extremely private and closed off,didn't work for me,maybe doing the complete opposite will be the difference and change I need.