The tupperware party

I was invited to a Tupperware party,haven't been to one for years and with a cupboard full of unused Tupperware did I really need more? This was different though, it was being held as a fundraiser for MS,so I decided I might go.
I started to tick of the boxes of why I wouldn't go,never been there before,don't know anyone,too far away,don't know the way,how would I get there..... The list went on and on,so I started to make plans of how I COULD go.Asked Sarah if she wanted to come with me,that solved a number of problems,I have a lift and will know someone,we looked on google maps to find the way and really 15-20 minutes really isn't too far.So I was set,screw you anxiety and panic attacks,I'm going out!!!
Then Sarah realized she had another appointment at around the same time so wouldn't be able to take me but could meet me there and bring me home,okay slight panic starting to rise.So I asked my Dad if he would be able to take me, no problem.Panic dies down a bit.I'll still be walking into someones house who I've never met,but I can at least try,can't I.I mean it's a Tupperware party for goodness sakes at a ladies home who I know from an online MS support group,I'm not entering the bowels of hell( Although it IS a Tupperware party some just may consider that the gate way to hell!!) I reckon if I did an online search I could probably find someone who knows someone who cousins best friends grandmas uncles niece entered  a life of wanton debauchery after attending a Tupperware party! Hmm,wanton debauchery?This could be interesting!
So the day begins,I've woken up feeling pretty good,no symptoms going haywire just the usual run of the mill stuff that goes on. Sarah pops in to try to tame the frizz that used to be my hair(note to self,organize a hair cut) and helps me put a bit of make up on to calm the redness of my face.Having MS has make me a little vain,I tend to worry about not looking like a troglodyte when I go out now.I look okay,would be happier if i could lose 20 kilos on the drive there. Miracles happen sometimes!
Dad and I set off and he lets me know he's checked the map at least 6 times already,hmmm and I wonder where my anxiety comes from! I like these times driving with Dad it's nice spending that bit of time with him one on one,just chatting about nothing and everything,I think we've solved most of the world's problems while he's been driving me around where ever I need to go.
So we get there and find the right place,Yay! Our constant map checking and making sure we had the right address has paid off,okay now to navigate to the front door and cross the next hurdle...meeting strangers.I'm stressing out and just want to go home.but I can't Sarah is meeting me here and I can't disappear on her.
I know this all crazy and hate that I am like this,I wish I could just be like normal people and enjoy new people and different experiences but this is the way I've lived my life since the rape.This is how I made myself feel safe,how I was able to function fairly well and give off the appearance that I was not constantly terrified and about to lose the plot.I think that maybe if that man had been caught that this terror and need to be safe and in control wouldn't have lasted as long as it has but he wasn't he's still out there somewhere and every where I go without even realizing it now(it's not a conscious thought process,it's automatic) I am looking for him.He hurt me and my family in such a vile,evil way and he got away with it and is living his life as though what he did doesn't matter.I hope he rots,I hope he gets worms that eat him from the inside out,I hope he writhes in pain with no relief,I hope he never finds love or joy or peace.I hope he knows how evil he is.(Oops,sorry,off the subject a bit)
Dad leaves and I'm here on my own feeling rather foolish for the amout of anxiety I've put myself through this is a normal house with normal people.I'm the first to arrive(typical,I get everywhere too early) so I sit myself down,other people arrive and most of us are women with MS and although as a concept, I know other people have it,this is the first time I've actually met anyone else with it.And you know what,I'm not the only one in the room with a stick or a walker,I'm not the only one with tremors or speech troubles,I'm not the only one,I'm normal!! How amazing is it to not stand out,how amazing it is to fit in,how amazing it is to meet people who know what I'm talking about,who truly understand what I mean when I mention tremors or buzzing or any of the other things that MS brings. I am not alone and that is just such an overwhelmingly awesome feeling,that I really have no words to describe.
It was a really good day,I spent too much! Tupperware has changed a bit and I NEEDED the stuff I bought!!
I'm proud of myself,for getting out of my comfort zone,for facing some demons,for not letting the anxiety and panic win,for being courageous,for being afraid but being willing to face it all head on.I am proud of myself.