Anger

When I first started this it was going to be a way to try to get my thoughts in order so I could maybe write my "story" for the MS magazine in my state. I messed up when I first set this up and set it to public,then when I realized I couldn't be bothered working out how to change it! Yes,I know I'm lazy!
Some where over the last couple of weeks though things have changed a bit,actually I've changed a bit,all right,a lot!
I think in writing out all those thoughts that didn't make sense,not worrying about punctuation and spelling and weather things sounded right or not,letting myself just think and type,I've somehow let myself let go of a lot of anger.
Oh wow have I been angry! At everyone.everything.at MS at doctors and nurses at disabilitySA at my work place the people I worked with,people I didn't know,people who helped me,people who didn't help me, Centrelink staff,I am still very angry at the place centrelink sent me too to assess my level of disability and what work I could do.Come on,you'd be angry too,It's an employment agency for people with disabilities.....with no access for people with disabilities,yep that's right no wheelchair access at all,just a very steep flight of stairs.To get in I had to go round to the side of the building and go through another company,then walk through their back offices to get where I needed to go,yep angry,justifiably so I think. I've been incredibly angry at God(still a bit iffy,on if there is one) and the church,and the people who spout all this love and crap but do nothing to help someone who they know who is sick and struggling and had their world turned upside down.Okay,I see the direction this is going in,I guess it's time to get this venom off my chest that I feel towards christians,specifically the ones I know.(Hmm,if hell's real then I am going to burn something fierce!) I used to go to church,I used to go to Bible study,I used to teach Sunday school!,but I never considered myself religious,to me that is following rules and regulations and my concept of God and Jesus wan't of follwing rules and regulations more of doing good and loving people and showing kindness and consideration where it was needed.Besides I could never come at preaching to people seemed a bit hypocritical to me seeing as I was(and am) far from perfect.Anyway couple of things happened at the church I was going to and I started to question myself and a lot of things so I stopped going.I still believed,still had my faith but didn't want it "tainted" (can't think of a better word) so didn't go to church anymore.Then life got in the way and I started to believe less and then I got MS.
When I first left hospital after that first attack with the iffy diagnosis and not being able to walk or move my foot ,or use a knife and fork or brush my hair blah,blah,blah,I was frightened,confused,worried,out of my mind with everything going on,my family had all those feeling too,plus that added burden of trying to help me process my feelings and all the physical things I couldn't do.
Poor Robert,what he some how he  managed to cope with all this I will never know,he had his own feelings and worries,the kids,mine,all the stuff I normally did that still needed doing,plus he was helping me shower,dress,get in and out of bed,he was cutting up my food and trying to do things my way(the right way!!) and he had no help except from our kids and my Mum and Dad(who are amazingly brilliant people and who were just as helpless and confused as the rest of us)Robert was going to work and coming home and learning how to cook(some,lets just say, interesting,meals were eaten with gratitude back then!) trying to keep up with the housework and the garden and we were on our own trying to make sense of what was happening.
My extended family(aunts,uncles cousins etc.) one of my cousins is a minister of a church,knew I was sick,and they did nothing,the church people I knew also knew I was sick and they did nothing.Oh sorry yes they did,they prayed for me,really kind and considerate that! There we were battling against this unknown illness and they offered to pray and send good thoughts,Sorry doesn't cut it with me,God is Love,Love is a verb-a doing word,You don't talk love,you do it you show it,you cook struggling people a meal,you run the vacuam over the carpet,you stick a load of washing on,maybe wash the dishes,even just pop in and say hello and share a cup of coffee and listen to the hurt and confusion.You don't do nothing,not even a phone call,nothing.I know there wasn't a lot people could do but just to let us know we weren't alone and that they cared would have meant so much and maybe would have prevented a lot of this anger and bitterness from consuming me
So life went on,I eventually got back on my feet and went back to work,life started to look normal again,there were still a few niggly things,symptoms I didn't kow then were actually symptoms but we were getting back on track.I buried all that anger and just concentrated on life.Then I had the next huge relapse which has really stopped me in my tracks and made life change completely no more work,dealing with centrelink, disability services and everything else and still nothing from anyone affiliated with a church. Yes,I'm angry at christian people,at church goers,and I'm angry at myself for needing them to show they care,I'm angry at myself for wanting to be recognized by them.And I'm angry at a God I'm not sure I believe in, for not doing what I want Him to do.For His sake,this is a God that apparently can part seas and stop the sun and raise people from the dead,surely He can fix the holes in my brain!! This is another Why me,it's not fair day. And I needto get all this out cos it's destroying me.