I don't know....

I'm tired of being me,tired of the sadness and anger and fear that seems to be at the core of me.i wish I could dig right down and pull out all these negative painful emotions out and just be left with the good stuff.I want to be the kind of person people want to be around,I don't want to be sarcastic and cynical,negative and fearful,I don't want to be angry.
I don't know how to not be though,surely I wasn't born this way? Surely growing up there must have been some times I was happy and positive?
Why is it so easy for me to go down the sad path,the angry road,the fearful street.
I really wish I could just accept that I have MS and move on and live my life peacefully,but instead I have to fight against it every step of the way,trawling the internet looking for some miracle cure,a diet that has some magical power to turn things around and make me whole.A drug that will cure me not just delay things.
I wish I was the kind of person that can look on the bright side,find a silver lining in every cloud.When I see a cloud I just see rain or hail,thunder and lightning,I just see yet another storm on the horizon.
And seriously,what is the point of all this talking and soul searching?What is the point of knowing all this stuff about myself? All it does is make me feel even more miserable.
I am so scared of the future,my future and I know that the worst case scenario isn't necessarily what the future holds for me but I have declined so quickly in the last couple of years that I worry that it will be.
I wake up in the morning and check that everything is working like it was when I went to bed,I notice the tiniest little change in every part of me.I wonder if it's another relapse or whether it's just an increase of symptoms because of the weather,or maybe I'm a bit run down,or coming down with something or a myriad of other reasons that I haven't worked out what they all are yet.
I don't want to live this way,I don't know how not to.I don't know how not to be me.......