Geez,this is taking so long and I haven't even got thru the first day yet.I'm beginning to wish I'd never started this whole process,it's taking me back to feelings I really don't want to feel again but for some reason I know I need to do this.maybe then I can finally accept that I have this horrible crap and be free of the anger.
A nurse comes into the room closely followed by Moe,Larry and Curly,previously known as Huey Dewey and Louie,she looks at me,looks at my name boldly posted above the bed.Picks up my chart,winks at me turns to the doctors,hands over the chart and politely points out that the patient they are looking for was here all the time.Okay so no more hiding or avoiding,I have to do this and no time like the present.
They start to explain what they're going to do and it is suggested that I sit on the edge of the bed and bend forward as far as I can,this is not easy as half my body has no feeling and I have no balance or strength to hold myself up.Robert hunches down in front of me and gets me to wrap my arms around his shoulders as he holds me round the waist to steady me.Unfortunately at some point I squeezed so tight I cut the blood supply off to his head and he nearly passed out!.
The doctor(must be Moe,he seems to be the one in charge of this whole catastrophe),starts to inject local anaesthetic around my lower back,where they're going to do the lumbar puncture.I can begin to feel myself going into a panic attack and I'm fighting hard to regain control,but all my usual techniques are forgotten as I'm so damn tired and stressed and frightened.My sugar levels are really low as it's been hours since I last ate and I start to cry.
They prepare everything and start to push the needle into my back,but it's not quite the right spot so withdraw and start again.I lose the plot and start to sob and weep loudly now,I've completely lost any semblance of normality,poor Robert is hunched down in front of me trying to hold me up and comfort and calm me,but I'm now in full on panic attack mode and start wailing.(Anyone trying to sleep in that ward,must have thought someone was being murdered) They try again and the pressure is incredible,I'm screaming,"It hurts!It hurts!" So that needle gets withdrawn and they put some more local anaesthetic in the spot.I am completely overwhelmed by the panic now and it triggers a massive flash back to the night some one broke into our house while Robert was at work and attempted to strangle me,then raped me.I have lost my mind.I hear the noise but don't realize it's coming from me,I am lost to reliving the evil that man did to me.I feel another needle go in and feel the pressure and the pain,then a voice some how cuts into my terror,One of the doctors says"Oh come on,it's not that bad!" Robert looks at me,kind of shuffles back a little bit and is glad that he's not the one about to be the subject of my rage.The air is thick with vile language coming from me I call him every name I cam think of and my anger is so intense I invent a few too,all 3 doctors are now backing away as I let fly with every bit of emotion I've been feeling all day.One of them very sensibly decides to put the whole disaster on hold and they call it quits and disappear as fast as they can.I'm sobbing,this damn thing still isn't done all I have to show for it is bruising and pain,that lasts for days.The nurse is wonderful,she's angry that they've put me thru this and says they should have stopped after the first attempt and taken me to x-ray to get a propper placement,it's obvious my spine is curved and they needed help to do it properly..She offers me a cup of tea and trys to find me something to eat(Please no egg!).Sarah turns up and Robert needs to go home he's almost as exhausted as I am,I think it's round about midnight or 1 am now and I've been awake nearly 24 hours,barely eaten and have just about gone stark staring mad and I still don't no what's wrong.The tea is amazing tastes like heaven and I need a smoke so Sarah finds a wheel chair and we go off.I don't want to go back.I don't want to do this any more but I do and try to get some sleep Sarah leaves and I lay there in the dark,alone.
I need a break,recounting this bit was very hard.
Wow, this is almost too hard to read. I hope life is over all of this crap for you now, is it?
ReplyDeleteI feel like I need to give you a caring hug...
I'm doing okay,Carolyn.Counselling,the passage of time,it all helps. Hugs are always good :o)
ReplyDeleteThe neurologist wasn't very happy when told what had happened.He was going to do it himself with x rays but I point blank refused unless they gave me anaesthetic.I wasn't putting myself thru the terror again no matter how good he was. I was willing to do it but it had to be on my terms
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