Invisibility

After I was attacked all those years ago I needed to hide myself,I needed to protect myself and keep myself safe.My heart my feelings my emotions needed to be protected from more damage.
I needed to keep people away from me so I put on weight,being bigger on the outside seemed to me to make it  harder for people to get thru to the real me,the stuff that could be hurt.It made sense to me and to some degree still does.
I kept my weight at an "invisible"level,big enough to not draw attention to myself for being in any way attractive,but not so big as to be noticeable as "Look how fat that woman is" (Geez I sound shallow) At time i would hate myself so much for being fat,that I would start a diet or an exercise program so I could feel better about myself,trying to change the outside instead of working on the inside.Every time I lost some weight to the point that people noticed I would sabotage myself and stop exercising and eat all the wrong things again,until my weight got back to my "safe"level.
Then I got MS! It's hard to be invisible when you need a walker to get around,I used to hate it.I felt old,cos let's face it.usually only elderly people used them.
So my thinking changed I didn't want to be the fat disabled lady(Believe me,I know how bad this sounds but I'm being honest) and really my walker became my protection.Pushing it around in front of me is like a shield,I do need a bigger personal space cos it's me and my walker not just me. I'm trying to lose weight and it's so hard! There's only so much food you can cut out and I need to exercise,very hard when you have no strength or balance.I've done a lot of hard work on the inside stuff,worked on a lot of my problems and realized how my thinking has affected me.How I've hurt me,by being angry at me and hating myself so much for so long.I don't want to be invisible any more,not that I want to be noticed so much but I want to be free of all the stuff that's held me back from living life to the fullest.I want the outside of me to reflect what's inside.I don't know if any of this makes any sense.
I am learning to like myself,well at least not hate myself and I want to show it.